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Millions of people visit New York City every year. Unfortunately, naive visitors throw a wrench into the delicate gears of this busy city with their clueless meanderings and obtrusive groups. Because of this, tourists are the most despised group of people in a city that likes to hate judge people.
Here are a few unwritten laws of the land that you must follow to avoid coming across as a total douche, and pissing everyone around you off in the process.
Driving: Don’t. Public transportation here works. Take it. But if you must drive, we have some rules, so we suggest you do so with this in mind: everyone else is trying to get where they’re going as fast as f**king possible. If you can go, go–stop only for red lights, children, dogs, other cars, bicycles, motorcycles/Chinese delivery men and pedestrians with the right of way.
Get used to changing lanes, merging and driving close to other sh*t. In New York, we change lanes–a lot–looking for a better path. Don’t be afraid of it. Just pay attention to what’s happening around you (that’s called driving) and you’ll be alright.
The merge is what keeps everything moving. To properly merge in slow traffic (like entrances to bridges and tunnels), someone should be let in every other car. That means, you should let in one person only, and move forward. Unlike driving in the rest of the country, in New York, lane merges happen at the last possible point (like at a fork in the road, not three miles before). Because of our ever-other-car rule, it happens faster than anywhere else! Especially since you aren’t expected to drop down to 45 mph for half an hour leading up to the merge point, *cough* *cough*…
Lastly, New York is tightly packed. Don’t be surprised if people are on your bumper, or walking extra close to your car. It’s how it is. Deal with it and don’t freak out. Good thing is, if you’re doing anything wrong, we’ll be sure to let you know…*honk* *honk*
Ordering Food or Drinks: Figure out your entire order before getting to the counter, bar, or having a waitress come over. Once someone asks you what you want, tell them as quickly and coherently as possible. Have money ready. If you’re standing in line, move out of the way so others can step forward. The goal is to complete the transaction as quickly as possible.
Walking: It’s extremely expensive to live here, so time really is money. For that reason, New Yorkers walk fast (also, we don’t like having giant fat asses). And as with driving, we’re all trying to get from A to B without stopping, if possible. If you don’t feel like taking the heel-toe express, move to the right side of the sidewalk, so others can get past. And don’t wander side-to-side–that will definitely piss someone off. Also, even if you have children, don’t hold hands across the entire sidewalk. (The abundant failure to do these things is why New Yorkers hate Times Square, and avoid it like plague.)
J-walking is not only allowed in New York, it’s both expected and necessary. If people didn’t do it, there would be massive crowds at every corner. But it’s your responsibility to not get run over. Even though most streets are one-way, look both ways every time before crossing–a bike messenger going the wrong direction can take you out as easily as a daydreaming cabby.
Don’t stand in groups at street corners, subway entrances or in front of doors. Basically, just make sure you’re not in anybody’s way, ever, and you’ll be good to go.
Personal Space: Like everyone, we have our own definition of personal space. In New York, staring at someone on the street is unacceptable, and could get you beat up, depending on who you’re staring at. (Quick glances are ok–how else are you going to check out all the hot chicks that are everywhere.)
Talking to strangers without an expressed purpose is also a no-no. Never touch anyone if you don’t have to. Only during rush hour, in packed trains and buses, is physical contact with strangers acceptable. But even then, find your millimeter of space between you, your belongings and everything else.
Riding the Subway: First, get a subway map from the booth at a station. They’re free. Study it, and plan where you’re going to go. If you’re in town for more than three days, get the “7-day unlimited” Metro Card (what gets you into the subway system), which allows one person unlimited rides (one, every 18 minutes) on the subway for seven days from the day you first use it. Using a Metrocard at a turnstyle can be tricky. Swipe it too fast or slow and it won’t work. Instead, swipe the card as quickly as you would a debit card, and you should be good.
When a train pulls up, stand to the left or right of the door, against the train, and let the people off. If it’s crowded, or a lot of people are getting on at your station, move as far into the train as possible. Don’t push, but squeezing by and saying “excuse me” is acceptable.
When stuck standing near the doors of a crowded train, do not just stand in the way when people are trying to get on and off at a station. Get off the train, and let people off, then get back on, or move deeper into the car.
If seats are available, whoever’s first to make the move to the seat gets it. If you’re already sitting, offer your seat to any pregnant woman, elderly person or mother with small children–we all do this, if you refuse, you’re a d*ck.
Dress: First, don’t f**king wear Crocs, don’t let anyone you’re with wear Crocs and don’t tell anybody you own a pair back home. They’re uglier than pretty much anything else in the city, and that’s saying something. New Yorkers don’t wear shorts and only chicks wear sandals, so stick with long pants, jeans, and dark color shirts–light colored button-downs are ok–dress shoes or Nike Dunks. Avoid Hawaiian shirts and NASCAR apparel like your life depends on it. Pastels suck, and fanny packs and passport lanyards scream “douche” from a block away.
Dealing With Crazy and/or Homeless People: You will run into crazy and/or homeless people. Ignore them.
Tipping: It might be acceptable to tip a dollar regardless of the bill in the rest of the country, but a thing like that could get you killed in New York. Here, 18 to 20-percent tipping in restaurants and taxis is standard and expected. So, if your dinner bill is $35, leave at $7 tip (3.5×2). At bars, leave a dollar per drink. Don’t, and you’ll have to wait forever to get served, if the bartender will serve you at all. And never leave coins as a tip. That’s not even real money, here.
Visiting Friends/Family: If you’re visiting a friend or relative that lives in New York, do not expect them to plan out your entire itinerary. We are too damn busy to manage your life and ours at the same time. And never ask them to go with you to the main tourist attractions (Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building, etc…)–they’re expensive, crowded and we see all that sh*t every day. If you need directions, we’re more than happy to give them to you, but never expect us to hold your hand the whole way. This is an easy city to navigate, figure it out.
When staying at a New Yorker’s apartment, keep all your belongings as hidden and out of the way as possible. Our apartments are small, and we don’t have room for your sh*t. After a few days of navigating around shopping bags and souvenirs, we’re bound to get annoyed enough to never invite you back.
Oh, and don’t ask us to pick you up or take you to the airport. We have plenty of cabs, trains and buses to do that for us, and we don’t want to, anyway.
General Guidelines and Must-Know Lingo: These are some guidelines, terms and phrases you should know before arriving.
- If you don’t know where to go, ask directions. We will happily help you. But only ask once. If you forget, you’re on your own.
- Keep your wallet in your front pocket, and don’t walk around with your money out.
- PAY ATTENTION to everything you’re doing. We have to, and so do you.
- Don’t talk to people in elevators.
- The City: Manhattan (as opposed to the other four boroughs of New York City)
- Uptown: North, Upper East Side, Upper West Side and Harlem.
- Downtown: South; also refers to anywhere south of 14th street, most often used when referencing the Lower East Side, SoHo (south of Houston), NoHo (north of houston) and the Village.
- Houston: Pronounced “house-ton,” not like the city in Texas.
- The Train: the subway
- F**king move!: “Excuse me, please get out of my way quickly.”
- Let me get: “May I have…” Used when ordering anything. Not considered rude.
250 Comments
I am printing copies now to hand out the 4,000 douchebags that are standing in front of Bubba Gumps whatever the fuck restaurant and ruining my life everyday when I try to walk the 2 blocks from my office to the train on Times Square. I wish everyone in America would read this.
Great guide!
Switch out metro/train for tram here and there and this guide will help you get through a stay in Amsterdam without too much trouble. Maybe a few additions are in order though:
Smoking is prohibited everywhere as of July 1st 2008. Smoking weed is only allowed in hash bars (known as ‘coffeeshops’). Also, don’t take pictures of any of the girls in the Red Light District if you value your life. And if you hear a bell, get out of the way asap, because a bicycle is racing toward you and it isn’t stopping. Cyclists are like sharks: They have to keep moving, or they die. Well, not really, but they act like it. Be sure to get out of the way, stay off the pink/purple bike lanes and you’ll be fine.
These rules apply to any city you arrogant turd. And I have seen thousands of fat asses in NYC.
This is why your City is so despised.
Come to Chicago instead and you won’t find so many douchebag rules.
“Let me get..” could possibly be rude?? I never even considered the possibility! I’m never going to a flyover state.
Oh and pastels are bad?? Tell that to me and all my UES minions. No one wears shorts? Well…. maybe no gym shorts but come on - the midwesterners who think they’re acceptable are way too far gone to ever listen to your article/our sage advice.
And no one lives IN Chicago. That city stopped being a such after WWI.
Hey Tim these rules apply only in cities where people actually walk. So that narrows it down to maybe three cities in the US–NYC being the only one where the sidewalks are crowded.
Hey neighbor. Enjoyed the article very much. You got it on the money. I HATE TOURISTS!!!!
A few extra…
-Eat at Shake Shack cause they have great burgers. (Don’t be a douchebag FRENCH tourist and sit around smoking while people around you are trying to eat. Actually, don’t be fucken French, and stay out of NYC.)
-Driving: If you’re not from NY, don’t fucken drive in NYC. (If you have no choice, then I guess the rules above work.)
-Walking:
1.Don’t walk down the middle of the sidewalk.
2. Don’t fucken look around as you walk your fat tourist ass down the streets aimlessly.
3. Don’t just stop in the middle of the street, walk to one side just as you would driving.
-Don’t be stupid.
I’m from New York. I’m important.
NY sounds like a cool place to live.. I’m getting sick of the suburbs!
Thumbs up on the Dunks!
My guess is that the intern who wrote this has been living in New York since June and can’t wait to go home to visit mommy and daddy in suburban Massachusetts.
How about a List for New Yorker “How not to piss of the rest of the world when you travel outside of NYC.”
New yorkers need to get over themselves. Every city in the world has tourists. This kind of attitude from people is exactly why Americans, especially New Yorkers are percieved as obnoxious assholes.
New Yorkers are the douchebags from what I’ve been able to tell. If someone tried to cut me off right before a lane ended or some other similar circumstance I wouldn’t let that douchebag in. Also, what the fuck do I care what other people think about me on the sidewalks, in restaurants, on the roads, etc? You New Yorkers care too much about what others think of you and you go out of your way to let others know what’s on your mind. I know I don’t fucking care. Mind your own business. Yep
Listen here Sir! Your petty set of rules are arrogant and completely unnecessary. Living in New York City does not make you a social expert. Get a life.
Hmm.. Yeah I have no idea why New York would be known for it’s @$$holes.. nope, no idea at all!
“Hi, I’m a self important asshole and you should be one too.”
Yah, I think that about sums up the total of this entire piece of drivel.
All looks good but the damn shorts comment. I wear shorts as do most of my friends for the majority of the year.
This is helpful, but if I want to wear shorts then I’ll wear shorts.
lmao
I was born and raised in San Francisco, so I’m predisposed to hate tourists. Anyways, I just avoid the tourist infested spots (Fishermen’s Wharf, Downtown, etc) and just forget about them. I don’t act like a pretentious prick about being a San Franciscan though. Get over yourself.
This is why people perfer chicago, no douche rules, and the best food\restaurants in america…
@H,
I live in Manhattan. Most of this article is accurate. It’s not “attitude”, it’s the way things work here. New Yorkers treat each other this way, and it’s not considered rude. We are not going to change the way the city operates because you don’t like it. Feel free not to come here if you think we’re obnoxious.
On the other hand, this behavior in many (most?) other places WOULD be considered rude, and to pretend that the entire world is like NYC is inexcusable and a major failing of traveling New Yorkers.
@shdwsclan,
I grew up in the Chicago area, and NYC is *far* better for restaurants!
Andrew, your article is shit and you come across as a complete daft cunt.
How about i will do what ever i fucking like *within the law* while i am in NYC and you do the same when you travel to my home town.
You know why?? Becuase i will do what the fuck i want the i fucking want and no arrogant up thier arse NY is going to tell me otherwise. You dont like me walking slowly on yourside walk admiring your buildings or what ever. Guess what dont give a fuck.
Most New Yorkers I have met have been arrogant assholes. I will never go there.
New York City doesn’t have a damn dress code, man. You’re obviously not from there if you think that everyone on the street is wearing “dark colored shirts” and Nike Dunks. Maybe that’s the trend right now, but New York City is famous for being so diverse. C’mon.
This is what happens when you stick people on an island. It’s as if only New Yorkers live by these types of rules. In general, I think it’s arrogant to assume that “unlike the rest of the country” in any circumstance whatsoever. New York is not above or superior to the rest of the country. Just because you live on a “magical” island doesn’t mean you’re better than everyone else.
Guide for tourist visitng NY .. F^%$ THAT! .. this the all propose guide for the douchebags who lives there in the 1st place .. been to NY once and man what a freaking filthy asbestos laced rathole.
what makes it even worse the rip off / con games they play at just about every venue .. for example: when you receive you check at a bar / restaurant make sure you look over it and make sure that the MANDATORY tip isn’t already added. And if the service sucked then fight it.
Nuff said!
Jew York City is the place to be if you want the best matzah ball soup this side of Tel Aviv.
@Z
You are right, that behaviour is inexcusable. Get some humanity.
the vast majority of people i’ve met in new york are totally cool, but there are a few douchebags like the author with an overinflated sense of self importance. there’s a weird effect that the congestion and frustration of NY seems to have on some people. it gives them the sense that they’ve earned the right to be totally rude whenever somebody slightly inconveniences them. they don’t even realize anymore all of the tolerance that the city is sending their way and they fail to reciprocate. if they moved to Iowa, they’d still be an asshole for a while until they got their face pounded a few times by the locals, then they’d learn some manners.
Kiss my ass! When I eventually make it to NYC for a holiday it’ll be for a fun and relaxing time like any other fucking holiday and if some of you over worked whack jobs don’t like it then work a bit harder to help get tourists banned. And by the way, I guess the world outside of NYC is for you to relax isn’t it? What a complete tit!
amen brother. Nice post
trash article. author sounds like a douche himself. you’re actually making NY sound bad
^NYC
This article is THE SH*T! Thx Andrew for telling it like it is!
1. I agree with Z. 2. New yorkers do where shorts. 3. @some guy - I highly doubt you’ll be relaxing in NYC with everyone giving you nasty looks or cursing at you for blocking their way. I recommend staying in your hotel for some relaxation.. or leave the city. Have fun!
Sounds like the city is *already* full of douchebags…
Are all North Americans like this, or just those from New York?
Why do I have the feeling that you’ve had douchebags visiting you? ;P
Thank god for this article.
The whole subway bit is right because that’s called common sense…meaning it happens at every subway system in EVERY city. Your whole talk about dress code is straight nonsense. It’s new york fucking city man, so many different people from different backgrounds wearing entirely different shit. NO SHORTS…nyc gets fucking hot dude. no shorts?! You’re a joke with comments like that. I’ll be sure to wear my button down shirts everyday and tip my butler on the upper west side 2 whole dollars every time he opens my door and pats me on the ass. To everyone reading the post I apologize for the arrogance, I assure you we can’t stand em just as much as you can’t.
ok, what is up with the dress code thingy, i mean i totaly agree with crocks, but here, ill give you an example, i was a sirenfest last week.
and i happened to be the only person NOT wearing shorts. and cmon seriously, have you never been to union sq/st marks/ general downtown area?
the whole point is that nobody really cares about how you dress. yes, crocks are annoying, and the nascar shirts and w.e.
but other than that, wtf are you talking about.
i have lived in ny my whole life, and 3/4 of those things arent true.
non-new yorkers, be aware; new yorkers aren’t the assholes that they are given the title of. yeah, i mean there are a lot of assholes, but what do you expect out of millions of people.
Fuck New York and fuck this douchebag.
Hey, if you happen to visit California don’t be an asshole and complain about the traffic and how scary it is to drive here.
Just this author dumb bitch and NYCers. Come to oregon if you want to run into friendly people while checking out great scenery.
i wrote this artical im a faggot
I think this is the blog of Ryan from ‘The Office’
Your next post should be “How To Not Be A Douchebag In The World”, and then have the one and only item be:
1. Don’t be proud of yourself for living in New York.
It’s just a city, and most of the world could give a fucking fuck about it. The only douche bigger than a New Yorker is a Texan, and that’s only because everything’s bigger in Texas.
Sounds like a great place to avoid. Never wanted to go to NYC and now likely will never go. Oh, and Chicago pizza is way fuckin better then NY.
I dunno man, I was in New York this past April and I found it to be quite welcoming. Busy as hell, but friendly enough. It was kinda like a bigger version of my home city (Toronto, Canada) with more people less hockey and WAY shittier street hotdogs. (Seriously, I was aghast. 4 bucks for a tiny, boiled hotdog with barely any toppings? 2.50 here will get you a huge all beef grilled monstrosity with every topping you can think of).
But on the whole I really enjoyed my trip and hope to visit again. You guys at least like Canadians, right?
Seems like the biggest douchebag in NY is the one who wrote this article. Trust me people, most people in NY aren’t assholes like this fool. This guy just needs an attitude-correcting ass beating and his trust fund cut off.
Wow, sounds like a really friendly and happy place where every cheap ass local working in a shitty bar, restaurant or taxi feels you should give them money because they do a shitty job.
New York has never been high on my list of places to visit and it’s now a little lower so you won’t have to put up me there.
Good to know, im leavin for new york in 3 hours, and was about to bring sandals, good thing I read this or Id really look like a douchebag.
“How to be a douchebag Author in NYC”
Go die in the flames of your own arrogance, Andrew.
@ Smokeyjoe - Fuck you, what the fuck do you know about NYC pizza if you’ve never been here you dickwad? I’ve never been to Chicago and I don’t knock Chicago pizza because I’ve never actually had the real thing. Forget that chain-store bullshit like UNO’s chicago-style, or Domino’s “Brooklyn” pizza, I’m talking about the real deal from a small pizzeria.
And as for the author of this article, fuck you too! I’m NYC born and raised and we definitely wear shorts. In fact, we wear whatever the fuck we want because we can, you cockmongler.
I bet you’re from elsewhere and just started to live in NYC recently and now feel all cool and hip to be from NYC so you need to make a fucking article about it. Either that or you’re from Long Island. Not Jersey though, they’re actually alright.
P.S. Dunks and the hypebeast shit died out last year. Fuck outta here.
New York City is serious business.
Yeah, someone should write an article explaining to Americans how not to piss off people, so they know if they care.
That way we all know which ones to mug and kidnap. :p
Thanks man, you are an NY A$$hol, BUT I appreciate the advice. All places have customs, and knowing what the fk to do is better then not knowing. It may all seem obivous, but only cuz you wrote, You could also wirte one for LA, but your have to update with the season, cuz fashion changes too fast. So I say THANK YOU, I appreciate HONEST A$$HOLES, I REALLY DO:)
PS
Take note of what covers the store windows. Plate glass-nice area. Roll down doors-bad area. Bars on window -..well you get the idea.
When I was in NY I have never seen so many men wearing shorts in my life. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I even bought a pair when I was over there as I only had long trousers.
If you live in a big city you have to get on with the tourists, otherwise go back to the shithole where ever you came from 2 years before you moved to NY and stop pretending to be Mr tough NY.
The tipping does suck though - what do you get for your tip, I didn’t find the service that much better than London. Tipping is some kind of taxation enforced through social mores, why not just increase income tax and have a decent minimum wage. You have to pay it anyway.
Only fucking trendy hipsters wear Dunks. Try to be a *little* original.
Dude you need to start tapering off of whatever variant of cocaine it is that you are on. I don’t think it would be smart to go cold turkey but you need to stop because you sound like an ass.
Is NYC full of douche bags like this dood? How can someone be so arrogant about something so freaken trivial? He is attitood, no brains and a total fuken cliche. Jesus man, I’m starting to sound like a Noo Yawk douche bag already.
Like I forgot to add, are all Noo Yawkers as ugly as this douche bag? I’d hide if i was that ugly.
Boys,
You ALL need to put the craCKPIpe down and go to bed….it is late…esp in NY and Chi….good night…U2LA!! bed time!!
Douchebag. The whole point of NY is to do what you want and be what you want. Who gives a rats ass if some random douchebag new yorker might not approve?
Talk to people on the subway. Wear inappropriate clothes. STARE AT PEOPLE. The jeans-and-dark-shirt clones are one-step removed tourists who think now they’re cool. You stop being a tourist when you stop giving a crap what people on the street think of you.
I just had a great 10 days in New York, without reading this guide. I don’t _think_ I pissed a lot of people off (but I could just be oblivious).
I actually found New Yorkers are a very helpful lot. Even in a gigantic crush (rush hour) people avoid stepping on other people and generally wait their turn. When I stood on a street corner looking lost, several people asked if they could help me get where I was going.
In fact, I am ashamed to admit it, but people in my home town in the Netherlands are far ruder. Go New York!
Tourists bring money in droves to your glorious city and then, they get the fuck out of there. Where the rest of America comes from, waiters have to earn their 15-20%. You and your magazine suck, so blow me.
Jesus Christ, it’s because of people like you that the rest of NYC gets a bad rep. We’re not all douchebags, and we don’t care if you wear shorts. Half off this stuff is COMMON SENSE for all major cities, and the other half is utter crap. You sound like someone who’s only seen how NYC is portrayed through movies, and other mass media.
I want to know how long this fuck has been a resident.
Not everyone in New York is a lost cause. Many happen to be normal human beings who enjoy giving others the time of day — even when they happen to be tourists.
In the spirit of this guy’s own hackneyed blog post, he can get fucked.
NYC is not at all as bad as this guy is making it out to be. Don’t judge the city because of one moron, go there and visit. Be a tourist who the fuck cares, you’re on vacation.
The only useful points the author made reference congestion on roads and sidewalks. You shouldn’t walk around aimlessly in front of large groups of people and you shouldn’t drive in NYC if you don’t regularly drive in a metro area. That applies for pretty much any major city worldwide.
You don’t need any sort of guide or qualification to enjoy any major US city - just common sense. I don’t know about the heartland maybe it’s a bit different for people from more ‘vintage’ roots but for the average metropolitan American NYC is just another city, albeit a great one.
PS: I’m from California. If you ever visit here you don’t need a guide to dress you, just the weather which out here means warm so bring shorts.
Ya long winded wasten my time mthfkr, cant ya jus git on wit it??spit it out already, hurry the fk up.
too long an article. we aint got no time to be redin ths shit..ah..fugit abotit
This just makes me not wanna go to New York. Sounds like a great place but I think there are many of us Americans who would flip shit if told to ‘fucking move’. It sounds unfriendly, dirty, hectic, and full of crazy folk.
Whatever.
The takeaway message is in the subtext: When in New York, beware that many New Yorkers are arrogant asses.
My only issue with your article is the 18-20% tip. I totally don’t agree with you, and I think giving something reasonable is fine.
If I eat for $50 I will leave $5 and that’s just fine, there’s no way I will leave a $10 tip for a $50 meal.
However if I eat a bagel for $3.50 I might leave $1 which is 30% tip.
This is why I live in Europe, even though I’m an American. Americans are too stressed out. No wonder people only live to 65 there and die of heart attacks.
Pretty amusing and well written.
Sounds like someone is pretty proud of living in “the city”, hu?
FUCKIN MOVE!!!!!! YA FuCKIN TOURIST!! AND PUT ON SOME BLACK JEANS, AND WILL YOU ORDER YOU FUCKING FOOD ALREADY!!!!! AND GIVE ME A 20% TIP, YA PIECE OF SHIT!!! AND HURRY THE FUCK UP!!!!YEAH GO NY!! WE ARE THE GREATEST AND YOU ALL CAN FUCK OFF!!!!
You are an elitist prick.
You talk down on the rest of this country like everyone who doesn’t live in New York City is a fucking inbred moron.
Fuck you, fuck your stupid fucking city, enjoy your 9/11.
You sound like an arrogant prick.
Overall, the article offers good advice. I am in my ninth year here in NYC, and I love it. It will kick your ass but at the same time, it will make you stronger.
There is an energy and a very strong current in life here that takes a while, I estimate about three years, to understand and adjust to. After that, you could find NYC as a very laid-back place, unlike any other.
J
what an a##hole - come to the UK and I’ll kick your ass
Nice guide but again, its all too obvious that New Yorkers believe the world revolves around them. We have the same exact problems in Philadelphia, which believe it or not, has somehow figured out how to evolve without the help of New York. I would even argue that Philadelphia is at least as big of a tourist attraction as New York City (go on vacation to see pretty lights or learn about American history… hmmm, tough choice).
This could have been said about any major city not just the one you choose to live in.
You are obviously not a native. Probably some Billyburg a-hole from Greenwhich CT. I hear ya…some of the rules apply but i can still tell your a pretentious fool. and the crocks… i don’t wear ‘em but i see ‘em around b’klyn, harlem, etc. go back to mommy and daddy trust-fund boy. we don’t want you here.
great list, they should hand it out in flight on they way to NYC. To all the haters a) the rest of the world (i assume you mean Europe) does not perceive New Yorkers to be assholes but rather kindred spirits and the only Americans they would ever wanna have any social interaction with. b) it is the best city you have to offer, so what if their cocky about it, the guy with the biggest one in the room is allowed to be cocky c)New York ROCKS!!!! had the best time ever their, great music, food and the Women, Lord Have Mercy are they hot! stay classy New York
Hi
I live in the UK and visited Manhattan last March and my girlfriend and I found New Yorkers really friendly and polite - especially compared to bitter and twisted Brits.
People stopped to help us as we struggled with our luggage, all the shop and restaurant staff were really helpful and friendly. We can’t wait to go back and would love to live there.
In London people are left bleeding to death from knife attacks as passers-by just walk quickly by.
Viva New York City!!!!
Jeff
hi andrew,
you are a daft prick, that’s all i can say about you and your article. i’m a londoner and have visited nyc many times, the city is cool and the rules you are talking about are rubbish. i had a great time in nyc and haven’t experienced anything near what you are saying.you should be proud to be a newyorker (if you really are one?)and happy that people are actually visiting and helping the economy.
how many cities / countries have you visited in your lifetime?
you are clueless.get a life
Thank you. I was planning to visit NYC some day, but then I read this article and came to my senses.
Hmmm… that was your plan all along, wasn’t it? Drive away the tourists?
Anyway, good luck suffering each other in that s#ithole…
Tnx, now I really hate New York.
Wow, thanks for coming off as a self-righteous asshole. Your routine does not have any more value than anyone else who lives in a busy, thriving metropolis. Maybe you guys should worry less about inflated backsides and more about your overly inflated (read: gargantuan)egos.
LOL, that is one goofy looking guy in the picture holy smokes batman!
JT
http://www.Ultimate-Anonymity.com
you got it all wrong
new yorkers don’t care about anything
you seem to think we care about everything
…A City with a Dress Code ?
I have wanted to go to NYC for a while now, but this article seems like a deterrent. I have traveled around frequently and never found myself in any major conflicts of culture. Why is the NYC so special? Plus, people who are dressed inappropriately happen everywhere, what, are you the fashion police?
I live in a place that is, unfortunately, visited by large numbers of New Yorkers, and this article only serves to reinforce my already poor opinion of them and the place from which they come.
They’re always in a hurry, but they’re never happy when they arrive at their destination. And if you’re not happy with where you’re going, then what’s the fucking hurry all about in the first place?
They routinely display a profoundly clueless arrogance concerning themselves and their beloved (by themselves only) city.
No matter where in the world outside of New York they are, or what they may be experiencing there, they everlastingly insist that it’s better in New York, and that New York has “everything.” When questioned closely, “everything” turns out to be 1.) A Broadway show (Broadway died fifty years ago but apparently New Yorkers have yet to receive word on this). 2.) A slice of pizza or a hotdog (of all the culinary entities in the world to choose from, these, above all, strike me as remarkably pedestrian and unimaginative). 3.) You may fill in the blank here, but it’s usually a museum or other tourist destination none of them have themselves visited since a field trip in the sixth grade, or perhaps some entertainment venue where you can spend serious money to enjoy the company of even more densely packed swarms of loud, intoxicated, annoying New Yorkers inside of a closed container somewhere.
New York is a cold dark little world, and could be more fittingly renamed “Planet Me.”
Boy, you New Yorkers sure are a lot more important than the rest of us…
This article makes me want to visit NYC and look for this fuckin faggot author Andrew and beat the shit out of him
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Yeah this is pretty dumb. 90% of this applies to any city and the rest is stupid. New Yorkers don’t wear shorts? Get a life.
The tips for tourists are accurate, but the attitude in the post is not. I grew up out West and have lived in every region of the country, though I now live in New York. I have found New Yorkers to be friendly and polite.
It is frustrating when you’re trying to speed walk cross-town to an appointment, and someone or a group simply stop dead in front of you and you run into them. If you have never lived here or been in New York and experienced that, then think how you’d feel if you were driving behind someone, trying to get to a job interview, and they simply stopped dead to take pictures of the scenery. Same thing.
Fuck you.
@whoever
Just to let you know… without tourism new york city would lose a substantial amount of income, and many shops would close up. This may or may not matter to you, the new yorker with a job, but the majority of people who work in new york aren’t working for the big companies, they are running or cleaning the smaller shops and storefronts.
Here is a cool video from Guns n’ Roses unreleased album :
http://vimeo.com/1428624
!
I was considering a trip to NYC, was gonna bring a fanny pack full of money and spend it everywhere. But since I read this article, I guess i’ll go to LA and spend my cheese there.
NYC is not the seat of Western civilization. It is alot of ppl too stupid to realize that you don’t have to live atop one another.
“New Yorkers don’t wear shorts and only chicks wear sandals, so stick with long pants, jeans, and dark color shirts–light colored button-downs are ok–dress shoes or Nike Dunks”
Bahahahaa…I think this guy is a douchebag hipster and is DEFINITELY white and probably lives in Astoria, the East Village or Williamsburg. He’s right about everything else, but this city gets HOT in the summer…no shorts or sandals? Whatever dude…and WTF are Nike Dunks?
“tourists are the most despised group of people”
Actually, college students are the most despised because of their arrogance, stupidity and their misguided belief (which is nauseating not charming) that they somehow have all the answers. All of which the above writer adequately demonstrates. New Yorkers can deal with tourists the same way one deals with a puppy or four year old - understanding that the tourist is well-intentioned but adorably clueless. College students are insufferable, self-absorbed bores and are best ignored.
I live in NYC - It’s soo good to see this article. I wish they handed this out to people at the airport/train station/bus depot. Only thing I disagree with is clothes - ANYTHING goes here as long as it’s not nascar/pro wrestling/garth brooks middle america give away stuff - that singles you out; it’s A big flag saying TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME/SCAM ME/ROB ME I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON HERE. NYC is a very “me” centered city, and our “attitude” is derived from dealing with the BS we have to deal with day to day - if you had to endure it as your life you’d be the same. Also, often we get sick of fat, stupid, culturally illiterate small town morons who can’t handle/do anything. For all you complainers in the comments, shut the *$&@ up! I don’t come to Texas or Alabama and tell you to hurry the F up and turn off the country music - if you can’t respect the way we do it here don’t come. I don’t come to your town and try to screw it up. So shut up, stop being so fat, and get the hell outta my way! :p
To all the comments re: Blah blah blah this is why NYers are perceived as assholes;
This is humor for us. We commiserate about it because we live here. If you take this as advice personally directed at you and go ahead and get offended about it then you clearly have an ego problem and need to lighten up.
So basically, this is a douches guide to what he/she doesn’t like about tourists in the town he happens to live in.
Uh huh.
OK, well, in fairness, heres the guide to not being a douche when visiting Amsterdam (where I live).
Step 1: Don’t be from New York City.
Step 2: See Step 1
Thank you, I’ll be here all night.
Oh and for the Author…
I have had the unfortunate experience of bumping into a New Yorker a time or two in my travels.
I think the better a better way to write this article would be for you to explain to your fellow New Yorkers how to behave when you leave Gotham.
For example:
1.You do not have to be the loudest person in the room.
2.We do not think you are in the mob so don’t try and act like you are.
3.Although we may sound different to you, we are not as dumb as you assume. Our colloquialisms are indeed redneck, AS ARE YOURS.
4.On the highway, the left lane is for passing only, this is not the lane you drive in because there is less traffic.
5.Useless banter about “what you are going to do to someone” is not always a prerequisite to a fight. In some parts of the country it is acceptable to just simply lay a guy out with a left hook if a fight seems inevitable.
6.Constantly stating, “I’m from New Yawk” in a discussion does not give you a +1 charisma. Honestly, most people will probably pity you for living in such a place.
The theme of the author’s piece is well-conceived: adapt to other environments when traveling. We could all adhere to that, right? His delivery is a bit arrogant, sure, but I wouldn’t visit New York if this sort of thing offends you. There’s some good advice in there–take it or leave it.
this is a terrible article
If tourist did not come to NYC, your shitty city would be really hurting. I lived in NYC for 10 years and it sucked.
Men can’t wear shorts or sandals, thats lame. Maybe that is a manhattan rule, I live in brooklyn and rock shorts, sandals, and tommy bahama shirts.
YA What Mike said. If you FAT FUCKS from Texas or Alabama or Mississippi or Cali or the midwest or any small town can’t handle the city get the fuck out. Monster truck loving NASCAR motherfer’s. Get some culture. Fuck. That’s right, that’s my “attitude” and that’s how it is. And fuck all the comments, all of them. NYC baby.
Learn how to use a comma.
I like how some pretentious-douchebag hipster is telling us all how we are douchebags.
Why are you people so pissed off? Maybe because this is ALL TRUE! I lived in New York for 10 years, but grew up in Ohio, and these are all things you only learn if you live here.
Sure, the writer comes across as arrogant because he’s telling you shit you don’t want to hear. But the fact that you’re all so pissed off in the face of true, good advice is exactly the same mentality that makes people hate American tourists across the entire world: You think you own the place, aren’t considerate to the locals, and don’t want to learn anything about the local culture so you can experience the place in a better way.
It’s all you arrogant pricks that are angry that f**k it up for the rest of us who like to travel abroad.
@kirbykia
i found the comment funny you kept saying FUCK and then said arse, as if ass was worse than you mentioning fuck a million times.
Sounds like you have to be a douchebag to live in New York City…
I feel sorry for everyone in New York and anyone who listens to the tips in this article.
And before you start with your “you wouldn’t get it unless you’ve been there” I’ve been to New York, downtown… within 30 minutes I saw a man doing crack, another man selling crack, and another man hit yet another with a bottle and get chased by 12 overweight cops.
And you’re worried about whether I wear sandals? How out of touch with humanity can a human being be? Visit or live in New York.
I agree with Mike: “NYC is a very “me” centered city, and our “attitude” is derived from dealing with the BS we have to deal with day to day - if you had to endure it as your life you’d be the same.”
If you do not like or follow those rules, then expect us to be rude. It’s our home, therefore it’s the norm here and our rules.
Don’t like it? Don’t visit. Trust us, we rather have inconsiderate rude foreigners stay away….
Oh and I agree with everything but the “Dress.” NY is known for being fashionable. Wear whatever you like and you’ll fit it. Mix it up!!
FYAYF rules, I like NYC b/c I can do whatever there boyeeeeee
Brooklyn!
All this bitching by NY haters is hilarious. These are rules that make a system work…
But Brooklyn doesn’t need these rules. Manhattan is dead. All you pricks and bitching tourists can have it
Some other things to keep in mind when traveling to New York City:
Never, ever, look around. If you hear a loud bang, and the possibility of you being hit by a bus seems to be great, still do not look around. You prove, by looking at anything other than the tiny boxy around your head, that you are not “cool.”
Do not smile, ever. Smiling is for people who do not have art or philosophy degrees.
If you live in the city, never venture outside of it. Flushing may have better restaurants, but it’s scccaaaarrrryyy. Also, stay away from Coney Island until it is turned into a resort.
******
Hey, author, I thought people avoided Time Square because it is a tourist trap operated by Disney and MTV.
Not tipping 20% will not get you killed, hell, even Harlem lost its balls after Rudy.
*******
Maybe, instead of bashing tourists, you should grow some fucking balls. I bet you are in the same group who wanted smoking banned and who, showing complete weakness, decided that whenever someone is in the West Village and blows their horn, they should be fined.
All of this applies to DC, too. We also have huge crowds of fatass tourists in NASCAR gear hoo-weeing at stupid crap and blocking crosswalks and the Metro. I lol’ed.
The level of conceit in this article is remarkable. You’d make the most douche-tastic tourist imaginable if you ever leave NYC.
Whatever dork wrote this doesn’t seem to have a good grasp of the word “douche”. He is the epitome of the word. Makes me wonder if he’s ever been to New York or just got his idea for this article from the movies.
Obviously fast-paced, densely-populated New York is going to be different than other cites which are not. I say, relax and try to mostly keep up with the obvious pace around you.
Funny how most of the NYC commenters disagree, and the potential tourist commenters thank you. Unfortunately you will ruin their trip.
I’ve been here my whole life and I’ll say the only thing Andrew got right is about tipping.
Oh, and the not driving, except he then goes on to explain how to drive here. Really, don’t drive here! It doesn’t work smoothly no matter what rules you choose to follow. Take a cab if you must be on the road, but don’t add more cars.
Anyway, NY is by far friendlier than any of the cities I’ve visited (don’t know much about small towns). So, the other stuff?
Give to the homeless (even if it’s a fucking penny)! What kind of dick do you have to be to just ignore them?
Talk to the crazy people! You might hear a good story.
Drinks and food? Bartenders and waiters will be happy to talk to you and explain or recommend stuff (especially if you’ve previously tipped “correctly”), and nobody has a problem with you sitting around and enjoying your meal. Take your time unless they actually ask you to move along. Only real thing you can do wrong in these situations? Being loud enough that other tables can hear your conversation. That’s annoying anywhere.
Clothing? Pretty much the only rule here is don’t tell people what to wear and what not to wear. If you want, wear crocs or sandals just to piss off people like Andrew.
Walking? Feel free to stop and look. I still stop and admire this city all the time. But yeah, don’t block other people. If you’re in group, spread out and don’t block people. Bump into someone? Say “excuse me” like you would anywhere else.
So BASICALLY, it comes down to being polite and courteous, and not annoying to other normal people. Just like every other fucking place on earth.
Personally, it’s assholes like Andrew ( who, like only non-native new yorkers, use the term “douchebag”) that I hate most about this city.
You can keep your crappy city douchebag. WORST. CITY. EVAR.
Here’s the deal, based on the article and the few comments I could skim over before vomiting all over my shirt:
1. the author of this article is quite obviously not a native new yorker, but is instead just very excited about getting to live here
2. I lived in chicago for ten years, and it sucks. There’s absolutely nothing good about it at all. The people are all idiots and not one of them has any nuts.
3. No natives EVER go to the shake shack for burgers. We laugh at people who stand in that quarter-mile long line for a mediocre burger that you could have made better yourself on the back of a hot garbage can lid. Natives go to the shake shack for CUSTARD. The custard line is never more than five minutes long. The burger line is never under an hour long. Natives can do the math.
4. everyone who read this article and has decided as a result to NEVER come to new york, thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me.
The only thing you should know about moving around New York City is that the people working and living here are usually not dawdling around and tend to be focused on getting where they are going as quickly as possible. They also understand why people want to visit and can easily avoid tourist destinations. It is a very easy city to manuever around even in a car, for fucks sake, it’s a grid. And WTF are you on about the dress code, please, as if anyone has time to notice or comment. Just be polite to people and everything is good.
The city is cool for its energy, diversity, and the amazing amount of people piled on top of each other who manage to get by and get along pretty damn well.
Whoever wrote this, you just contributed to why the city and her people get a bad rap. I love NY!
It’s so easy to see from the comments who isn’t from New York. New Yorkers wouldn’t get offended about anything the author said, even if they don’t agree with every detail. And yes, New Yorkers are arrogant because we live in the best city in the world. No, Chicago is not better.
@ Tim. I was born and raised in NY, now live in San Diego. On the driving comment, NY is far more aggressive in general. CA highways and cities are positively calm in comparison.
I will say this though: I would stay here in SD for the rest of my life if I could.
And, if you really want to see what the city is like, from the point of view of a number of natives and non natives alike, just go here:
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/
These rules apply to basically any big city, and are, for the most part, totally obvious.
I guess New Yorkers have it worse because it’s such a big tourist destination.
you guys fucking suck, lay off the man, if you lived in NYC you would understand the need for these guidelines.. It’s not because new yorkers are pretentious it is because everything is so fast paced.. if you don’t like it go the fuck to chicago!
What? you graduate college and moved to the City? How long have you lived here? I’m probably younger than you but have spent my whole life living here. This guide is Bullshit.
As someone who loves NYC and has been there many times as a tourist…What about when it’s 100 degrees? They still won’t wear shorts? I plan on going there next summer and I don’t want to look really out of place but at the same time I don’t want to melt.
is that a picture of a douche bag?
This article sucks - after reading this why would you even want to go to NYC. I live in Jersey, and I don’t follow 1 of these rules and get by just fine. NO SHORTS - WTF
Actually, i’m heading in to NYC tonite and i don’t think i’ll go by any of these rules just to see how many dipshit new yorkers get angry at me. Than i’ll laugh at them and tell them to fuck off.
new yorkers are full of themselves, besides the city smells like piss most of the time, come on you have to admit it
Are you New Yorkers robots? I don’t really believe what you say is true. I hope when i will come in N.Y. i will not fall into you because it’s quite obvious that you’re a freaked out person full
of anxiety. Chill out. Don’t be such a model citizen. Your set of rules only apply to people like you. The only reason you made this article was to raise hell at the comments and make your self feel important.
LOOSER.
I kind of expected to read something funny here — something that could apply to all kinds of cities. Being a DC resident, I have my complaints about tourists, but only a couple of these remarks actually seemed legit. I sincerely doubt that every single New Yorker is as insanely busy and important as this article makes them out to be. And the whole thing about small apartments and not having room for your friends’ or family’s sh*t…well why have them stay there anyway? I know it’s common courtesy to keep your stuff clean and packed when you’re staying somewhere, but holy crap, this article makes it sound like it’s the biggest pain in the *ss to put a friend or family member up for a night.
I don’t know, I feel like a lot of people here are divided on the subject.
Enough bashing of the writer…here are some general tips for DC tourists as well:
1. If you’re taking the Metro, stand to the side when the doors are opening. Let people off of the train first. When you’re on it, move to the center of the car, especially if you’re going from Arlington to the Smithsonian. It’s not me being rude, I’m fairly certain they tell you this stuff every time the doors open and close on the trains.
2. For the love of god, watch your kids, especially when you’re going into a restaurant. Almost every tourist I see with kids is too wrapped up in figuring out where they are to notice their kids running off in the direction of “the big pointy building” and very nearly getting hit by a cab.
3. At least make an attempt to learn what some of the more famous buildings and monuments are. People will giggle at you and then post it on Eavesdrop DC when you point at the Capitol building and say, “Look, the White House!”
4. If you have to drive, make sure you understand the rules of traffic circles. If you are a tourist, then avoid Dupont Circle. Only go there if you’re walking or taking the Metro. Washington, Scott, and Logan are all right, but trust me on the Dupont thing. Also, try not to close your eyes and hope for the best.
5. DC people are generally friendly. I haven’t encountered a mean tourist (frustrated, confused, lost ones, yes) yet. If you’re visiting, be nice and we’ll be nice to you
Is anyone in Manhattan actually a New Yorker? The only people I meet there are either college kids or rich people. Real New Yorkers were priced out of Manhattan long ago. The people I know who grew up in New York are pretty nice, and not anal about conforming to this douchebag’s rules.
Hey Steak,
va te faire foutre salopard.
I’d rather be “french” any day than be “american”.
idiot.
Dylan
oh yeah you’re from new york, yea you’re so effing cool and we all feel very sorry for you for having tourists, i mean, no other city in the entire world has tourists! here’s a guide how not be a douche bag tourist in california: don’t come to california and think you’re the shit because you’re from new york, or anywhere on the east coast. every city has tourists, so quit being a whiny little bitch.
While you have a lot of valid points for New York and pretty much any big US city, this reads just like typical northerner elitist drivel.
Yeah, I hate a lot of the things you bitch about just as much as you. But reading this article just made me angry at the hypocrisy so I have to point out that while I’m sympathetic to your big city plights, you come off as an even bigger douche bag than anyone demonstrating the things mentioned in this post.
I really haven’t read a more arrogant article in quite some time. Talking about douchebags…
Additional must-know lingo:
Bodega [bo-DAY-ga]: convenience store. they are on every fucking corner.
Boss: what every middle-eastern or hispanic man behind the counter at the bodega will call you (if you are a guy). Still not sure if this is rude or not…
So true.. Just go ahead and live here and try to get to go through penn station and see what happens. to all saying NY’ers are arrogant and obnoxious, I wont disagree…
let the haters hate!
New York City is better than .. end of story.. good article
A few things…
1. Much of this is true of most other large cities in the US (if not the world). Chicago especially.
2. Your comments on dress and family, make you sound like a complete and total dickhead.
3. You are a Douche. Based on your comments my guess is that you’re originally from a small town or suburb, but you now think that you’re Urban Chic because you live in New York. Nope you’re still a douche.
U all forgot the really pissy reason why tourists piss people off!
DON’T TAKE MY PARKING SPOT U SHITBAGS!!! especially if you don’t have NYC plates…I am tired of having to drive in a 20 block radius for up to 2 hours to find a spot to park! leave your car at home or park it in a garage! Cant wait for zone parking laws to take effect! TOW YOUR JALOPY ASS AWAY!!!
I occasionally have to drive in NYC and I finally figured out the secret to changing lanes. The local custom is “if you can get the nose of the car in, you’re in”. The guy behind you will not be mad. This is a novel concept in many parts of the country.
Durrrrr, dem New Yorkers is smrt!!!!!! The rest of country not figur out basic staples of urban civilization!!!!
And you people wonder why the rest of the country thinks you’re stuck-up morons…….
Hey New Yorkers, ever wonder why the world thinks you guys are all douchebags? Its because you think people are douchebags for not following your nonsensical, unspoken behavioral rules.
That’s it, I’m never going to New York. New Yorkers are clearly subhuman with crap like this.
I know these are more suggestions than anything else, but I think it is really reflective of why people around the world don’t consider New York or New Yorkers to be very likeable people.