Like most disgruntled viewers of television today, I wonder why the f*** studios find it necessary to churn out countless amounts of updates and remakes instead of delivering fresh, interesting show concepts. I’m well aware of the motives behind the retreads - playing it safe while pleasing the easily pleased - but fact is fact: lame attempts at reviving old shows hurts everybody in the long run.

Following the unholy tradition is Knight Rider, a TV movie/Pilot hoping to recapture the hokey magic of the original series - and it’s pretty terrible on all accounts.

Is it so hard for studios to realize that viewers want their blockheaded action to be fun without insulting our intelligence? It must be difficult, according to Knight Rider’s creative team, who don’t know when to stop shoving ridiculous scenarios and storylines down our throats.

Knight Rider begins better than expected, with Charles Graiman, inventor extraordinaire, getting interrogated at his humble abode by goons looking for decryption codes, satellite coordinates, data and schematics. It’s so future lowbrow that it went completely over my head. Luckily things get a bit more blunt from here on out, as Graiman gets offed…I think?

Once free to search Graiman’s house the thugs stumble upon K.I.T.T. (Knight Industries Three Thousand), a super souped-up car familiar to anybody with fond memories of the OG Knight Rider. As expected, K.I.T.T. turns on by itself and drives away from the goons, who open fire on the vehicle; it gets away with nary a scratch. And we’re off!

After those brainless yet entertaining moments before the first break, Knight Rider quickly collapses under its own weight. Mike Tracer (Justin Bruening), ex-Army Ranger, current car racer and our hero, is found waking up next to two women (of course) and seemingly stressed, most likely from owing a loan shark a cool $90k (not cool, Tracer - so not cool).

What’s Tracer gonna do? How does he raise the money? Does he hold a benefit? Does he perform at the local Battle of the Bands (grand prize: $90,000…CASH)?

Well let’s put that all on hold for now, since Tracer has other problems to deal with.

K.I.T.T. (voiced by Val Kilmer and not Will Arnett as earlier reported; his ties with GM didn’t allow him to speak as a Ford model) finds Sarah Grainer, daughter of Charles, and explains the Terrible Happenings to Have Happened in the Last Few Hours to her. Once Sarah is scooped up they head to Tracer’s house, ’cause her father knows (knew?) and trusts (trusted?) Tracer and she’s romantically linked to him, or at least was at one time.

From here, it’s all car chases, impossible action scenes and all cylinders spinning while the story spins way out of control. The end product is as incomprehensible as any action drama on TV, without the supreme cheese that makes the better examples more palatable (think 24, Lost, or Heroes).

Despite my reservations, Knight Rider is sure to do just fine in the rating’s department, as it has enough T&A&A (T*ts and A** and Action) to fill NBC’s weekly quota. It’s not a great show by any means, but when did being a great show have anything to do with ratings?

The show does has one redeeming factor: The Hoff has a cameo. Doesn’t that make it all worthwhile?