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Although I find myself resisting at times, it’s hard to truly knock The Smiths. Morrissey, the saddest sack of the 80s (take that, I’m Your Man-era Leonard Cohen!) has influenced the lion’s share of emo Cub Scouts that sing sob stories today. But why listen to the shrill, pompous vocals of Bright Eyes when Moz can give you a metric-ton of sadness in just one verse?
The folks at Viva Moz must’ve wondered the same thing, thus creating a line of Morrissey Valentine’s Day cards. That’s right: the Pope of Mope, not exactly known for being optimistic, has cards bearing his choice verses to be sent on the most romantic of holidays.
One card worth mentioning features lyrics from The Smiths’ grand weepathon, “There Is a Light That Never Goes Out.” For the uninitiated, the chorus goes as such:
And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine
That is, like, “The National Anthem” for sensitive, bookish types - but would you send a card with those lines to a loved one? I personally would send one to that drama queen who takes the “holiday” too seriously…but they would probably love it and get all emotional and want me to bring them out for dinner “as friends,” promising me that it’s because Valentine’s Day is so lame and it’s ironic to celebrate it, yet they’ll ask me immediately after dinner for a coffee, but I know that will probably lead to “bad decisions,” which would be fine if said person wasn’t so clingy and desperate - and my ex.
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