Hey kids…wanna get high? I have every strain of marijuana you could ever ask for — Hawaiian Kush, Northern Lights, Tom Cruise Purple…what’s that? You’ve never taken a toke of Tom?

Tom Cruise Purple is all the rage these days, although the actor’s people aren’t too happy about its namesake. I don’t know why, though — Cruise should be so honored to have a marijuana strain named after him and his likeness (read: completely batsh*t).

I’m not sure if I would like being trapped in the maniacal brain of a Scientologist, but I would sample the celebrity strains after the jump if they were on the market.

Denis Leary Lights

Provides hours-worth of catatonic, angry rants (see also: Lewis Black Gold)

Dave Chappelle Chalwa

Transforms the lamest jokester into a comedic genius. Warning: will become too funny and witty for the normal world, ending up in a state of complete loneliness by default

Artie Lange Caligula-Style Blowout

If your idea of getting high consists of morphing into a bloated, disgusting and hilarious Jim Belushi overdose type, go for yours — otherwise, steer clear of the Lange.

Devendra Barnhart Gypsy Green

Nomadic and erratic vibes will banish yourself from proper society; goes well with Smithsonian Folkways LPs and absinthe. For best results, use an issue of Paper magazine as a blunt wrap.

These are just a few examples — any other strands worth mentioning? Comment and let us know.