When the winter months are upon us, Jamaica is indeed the country of cool - in all the right ways.

The former British colony (and current cannabis field) caters to those looking to preserve or pulverize fond memories by way of extreme relaxing or partying, respectively. Our COED itinerary guarantees to put a smile on your melanoma-stricken face (seriously, you really should get that mole checked out).

We start off in…

KINGSTON

There was a time when Jamaica’s capital was a place visitors would never venture if they wanted to return home with both their money and face intact. These days the nation’s cultural center is safer and more tourist-tolerant than ever. Current-day Kingston pretty much demands that you and yours get together and feel all right. [Note: I totally just made that 'feel all right' bit up myself.]

As budget savvy students, y’all could do far worse than the Holborn Manor Guest House, Valerie Dean’s Guest House and New Chelsea Hotel & Amusement Centre, all of which are safe, clean and have rooms for under 60 bucks. New Chelsea boasts the cheapest enclaves, with prices starting at a wallet-woody’ing $25.

As for the Trustfundarians among you, look no further than the Courtleigh Hotel (876.929.9000) for all your WASP-y needs. Actually, you don’t have to be Paris Hilton to enjoy the four-star amenities Courtleigh has to offer. Situated conveniently close to both Norman Manley International airport as well as the redonkulously beautiful Blue Mountains, Courtleigh’s harbor-view rooms start at a reasonable $115 a night. A rocking pool bar (closes at 1 a.m.), their top-shelf restaurant Alexander’s (order the snapper) and satellite TV (hooray for ESPN in a Third World nation!) make this a place you should totally put your card down for - even if it means losing your Backpacker license should word ever get out that you’ve spoiled yourself to such a degree.

Daytime Diversions
Blue Mountain hikes are a must, and the Touring Society Of Jamaica (876.975.7158, 876.944.8400) offers specialized trips to their many high-altitude coffee plantations. Jamaica-java is a lot like the people themselves: strong, black and deeeelicious (I’m a bit of a cannibal). A native eats-picnic and Caribbean scenery, the likes of which you ain’t never seen in a Johnny Depp-playing-a-gay-pirate movie, are also par for the course. During my group’s obligatory coffee-tasting, I stuck my nose in the mug and waxed poetic on the bouquet of aromas I was experiencing. Just like Paul Giamatti!

Once you’re sufficiently wired, add some kaya to the caffeine by way of the Bob Marley Museum on the now-famous Kingston address of 56 Hope Road (876.927.9152). The music legend’s surprisingly modest home showcases gold records, personal belongings, a brief film bio with unintelligible Marley interviews [note to the curator: add subtitles] and ‘ macabre alert! ‘ two bullet holes in the wall from the 1978 attempt on his life. The perpetrators were never caught, so please try and solve this crime while you’re there. Thanks for that.

As for Jamaica’s second greatest export: Private tours of the Red Stripe Brewery are available for those that call ahead (876.923.9291). Be sure to indicate you’d like a post-tour tasting at the plant’s new, employees-only sports bar, Vibes. Oh, and if a guide tells you the beer was named after the crimson lines on Kingston police uniform’s pant leg ‘they’re lying. In fact, the moniker was the bastardization of brewery founder, Eugene Desnoes’s nickname, ‘Green Stripe.’ [Long pause] You don’t care, do you?

Buy a six-pack of them famous stubbies (as well as, like, 10 novelty beer cozies) and groove on over to the white sands of Kingston’s famous Hellshire Beach.

‘Actually the best time to go to Hellshire is in the morning,’ suggests parliament’s minister of tourism, Hon. Aloun Assamb. ‘Pick out your own fish, and have them fry it while you enjoy the breeze.’

Once you’ve done enough sitting ass to work up a well-deserved appetite, run on over to Norma’s On The Terrace. Encased within Kingston’s famous Devon House ‘ a restored 19th-century mansion, owned by Jamaica’s first black millionaire ‘ The Terrace is Kingston’s best restaurant. Superstar chef Norma Shirley offers up an ever-changing menu of local loveliness. Have a little bit of everything, but don’t tell ‘em COED sent you (while there, I pulled an eat-and-bolt before the check came. Boy, can Norma run!)

As for further culinary options, the city is home to 35 international embassies and consulates, resulting in no shortage of fine national and international eateries to choose from. Speaking of choices, let’s choose to booze, shall we?

Natty Nightlife
There’s a reason Kingston is populated with so many ramshackle tin-roofed shanties ‘the owners would rather spend their Jamaican dollars on Pilsners and pot. And that commendable mindset makes for a great nightlife scene.

‘My favorite kinda place is the outdoor place,’ says dancehall reggae superstar and Kingston native, Sean Paul. ‘One of them is called Pepper’s. They serve finger food ‘jerk chicken and that kind of stuff. In the middle of the week, they’ve got karaoke and they’ve added pool tables.’

‘There’s another bar called Escape, which is in North Kingston where the clubs are. It’s an open bar ‘ just a chain-link fence around it ‘ and there’s a little enclosed area in case of rain. I just like the vibe there.’

Other hops-fueled hotspots include Redbones and Asylum. A personal fave is a top-notch little watering hole called Friends on The Deck. Located under a mango tree, the bar’s filled with sun-bleached furniture and good-looking locals, swaying to the resident DJ’s laidback tunes ‘ I think. Truth be told, I was already pretty bombed before dinner had ended.

NEGRIL

‘Negril is a crazy place, I love Negril,’ says Sean Paul. ‘I think the first time I went there, I was wild, jumped off the cliffs, did everything I could but I’ve been there in other times and it was very relaxing. You can party hard or you can chill.’

This longtime spring break destination for white-hatted beer-funnelers the world over is located on the other end of the isle, due west. Negril’s one industry is tourism, so the town is designed for decadence. Expect to be propositioned by won’t-take-no-for-an-answer hustlers pretending to be your friend as well as alarmingly hot prostitutes pretending to be flirty club-goers that are super into you. You’ll stop questioning your luck once you get her upstairs and she pulls out your wallet, rather than your wiener, friend.

Scholarshippers take note: Alfred’s Ocean Palace is by the beach and the home of one of Negril’s most popular pubs. Traveler’s Beach Resort has 14 cabins and 16 rooms, the latter of which are cable-ready. Both dreaded-domiciles’ rates begin at around $40.

As for those who have not time for such a common thing as financial aid? The $235-a-day Grand Lido is an all-inclusive resort with eight restaurants, a monstrous pool bar and more activities and games than you can shake a spliff at.