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Cheating is a funny subject.
For those of us who haven’t yet taken the wedding vow, where does the obsession with pledging our fidelity come from? Why do teenagers and college students worry so much about breaking a covenant they’ve never made at an age when they should be dating the widest variety of people possible?
Given that the genesis of fidelity was probably to ensure that we women didn’t go around bearing children with other men’s DNA, it doesn’t seem to affect those of us in college, childless and armed with a multitude of birth-control options (some of them flavored!).
So maybe it’s just a residual peer-pressure from the rest of society. Everyone else has a (read: one) significant other - why don’t you?
But you have to stop thinking that way. Dating exclusively during your formative years isn’t always the best idea.
That isn’t to say I didn’t fall into that trap. In high school and college, I had a few serious long-term relationships. But I also dated a lot of different men. And while I didn’t ‘cheat’ on most of them (key word: most), I did often toe the line. I remember feeling anxious about the whole thing, like I was grievously close to committing a mortal sin. Looking back, I overreacted; I was far too young to be that serious about one person. What I should have done instead was be more honest and accepting of my basic inclinations to date lots of people: It was perfectly normal to want to have my cake and ‘ um ‘ eat a few other men’s cakes, too.
The idea of casual dating isn’t a new one. In fact, when I first began worrying about ‘violating’ the sanctity of my (at the time) very youthful relationships, it was actually my grandmother who snapped me out of it. She would say: ‘Julia, are you married?’ (’No, grandmother,’ I was supposed to answer.) ‘Are you engaged?’ (’No, grandmother.’) ‘Are you pinned?’ (’No, grandmother ‘ what the hell does ‘pinned’ mean, anyway?’)
‘Then,’ my grandmother would say, ‘You may date anyone you like.’
And that is how I began to see the world of non-exclusive dating as a good one. If my God-fearing WASP of a grandmother condoned it, well, then, it must be all right! It was almost as if she didn’t understand the idea of cheating, unless it pertained to a committed relationship ‘ and that commitment only came with a ring (or a pin, I suppose).
That makes more sense than getting all worked up about the guy you’ve been seeing for two weeks (two weeks!) kissing another girl. Who cares? Does it really hurt you that much? Yes, jealousy sucks. But that feeling is eternal, and believe it or not, the most jealous people are the most insecure. So why aren’t you out kissing other guys?
Humans are naturally flirtatious, sexual beings. College students, unlike humans, have little or no capacity to restrain this side of them, and yet they often make promises to another party that they’ll try. Do some succeed? Sure. There are definitely people who have monogamous relationships in high school and college. But I’m just not so sure that’s good for them. Experiment now while you can!
Casually dating a bunch of people is an excellent way to learn about what you really want in a partner. Why tie yourself to one person when that’s what you’ll be doing (if you’re like the majority of Americans) for the greater part of your adult life?!
There’s no reason to go on feeling badly about your inclinations to cheat ‘ just be honest about them and don’t give anyone a disease. But get it all out of your system now because, I assure you, when you’re married, the stakes are a lot higher. Maybe if Bill had dated around a little more when he was in college, he wouldn’t have needed to cheat later in life. Well ‘ maybe not. Some people just weren’t meant for monogamy.
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10 Comments
Everyone will appreciate it
You’re so novel, what a good idea
You can keep your time to your self
You don’t need date insurance
You can go out with whoever you want to
Every boy, every boy in the whole world could be yours
If you’ll just listen to my plan
THE TEENAGE GUIDE TO POPULARITY
Hmmm…
think about what your grandmother considered dating and cheating when she talked with you.
I think that when she was single and dated more than one boy she didn’t need birth control.
Or even lip balm.
You are explaining your point through advice of wiser older person whose mind was set in times before sexual revolution.
And yes, we are sexual beings. But we are also conscious beings. Capable of navigating through storm of hormones with common sense.
Otherwise, what would different us from animals?
Monogamy is great for purpose of raising a family.
And while there is no reason for monogamy before that, think about how will you find the right person for raising a family by casually dating.
How do you now that first person you date isn’t actually the “right one”?
Or second? Or fifth? 12th? 20th? Were do you draw the line? When is enough of casual dating and it’s time to find the “right one”?
Maybe you’ve already past him by. And now he/she has the other “right one”.
Also, if you think that you have found “right one”,
you still may think: “Ok, but how do I know he is the right one? Maybe I should date others to check? After all I did come up with him by dating around…”
Partnership is joint venture of 2 persons committed to each other. They are supplementing and helping each other through life. And they should help each other to grow as a person and partner.
Don’t replace him/her with next partner because he has that other thing that you want. He is probably lacking something that this one has. By switching from one to another you will never win in “collect all features” game.
And if you don’t know what you really want in a partner, don’t date.
Find out inside yourself what you want and then date.
Otherwise, you are wasting someone’s time and feelings.
And another thing, picture this:
-”Hi xx, do you remember last month when we were on a date and I said we shouldn’t do it because…
…well, I’m pregnant”
-”Sorry, Aby, but I’m still dating. Bye.”
Most of animal females are raising their offspring by themselves.
Those who don’t, have life lasting monogam mate.
My conclusion is:
Don’t date for experience (it will come anyway, and either way, experience you earn by dating is worth nothing once you are in lifelong monogam relationship)
Date if you are single.
If it works out, great for you.
If not, end it, and move on.
Don’t cheat just because you can.
Being honest about it doesn’t make it OK.
It just makes it bragging.
Not that I necessarily disagree with any specific thing in this article, but be clear in the distinctions you use.
It this a discussion about TRUST, or a discussion about DATING?
If you are merely DATING a lot of people, and they all have the clear understanding that you are not making any commitments to them, then everything is great. There is really no such thing as “cheating” in this situation, because who would you be cheating on? However, if you are letting one person think that you are exclusively with them, then you are violating a really important trust by dating or just screwing other people. This makes you a bad human being, not because of neolithic moralizing, but because violating trust is against any moral code you could possibly live by, no matter how lax.
Sounds like the author is condoning being a whore.
This is the problem that young girls in high school have now - they’ve been told that sleeping around is the better way to go, rather than settling with one guy.
These same girls end up with 3 kids by the time they’re 21. Sorry people, that’s NOT normal.
Sound like a slut to me… I understand dating many different people but cheating is for hoes
Pinning is when a fratter (or anyone else of a secret society) puts his frat pin on you. It used to be a big deal, not so much anymore.
Wait a second, ReV and Randy, you seem to think that the author is only trying to talk about women being polygamous. I’m pretty sure this article applies to men as well.
Would you call a guy a whore? No. Its a sad double standard that I’ll admit I’ve used to my advantage. Women are pegged as a whore for being unfaithful, while men are praised for being a ‘player’ or being lucky enough to sleep/kiss/whatever with another woman.
I think its kind of sad that your thought process immediately goes to chastising women for being ’sluts’ if they cheat. Why don’t you go back to church and stop bothering those of us who aren’t so up tight about life.
Sounds like someone is bitter over a ‘bad experience’.
This is stupid. I wouldn’t call a guy a whore. I’d call him a man whore. Andre, you are throwing around that “double standard” thing like it discredits the fact that sleeping with a bunch of people and feeling free to cheat on anyone you want is a slutty thing to do. There’s no double standard. If a girl sucks a lot of dick then she is a whore, and if a guy fucks a lot of girls, he’s just as bad. If I ever cheated on one of my girlfriends I wouldn’t have been praised by anybody.
The author of this article is definitely a whore. Confused about what they want and will never get what they feel they need.
I hate to reiterate this, but the author is certainly quite slutty. To her grandmother, “dating” means going out for a malt, not fucking random guys.
It sounds like she was cheated on, and probably experienced other emotional trauma relating to intimate relationships. This seems to have caused some serious intimacy issues. Yeah she’s a slut, but it’s not like she was born that way. She could probably see a therapist for awhile and end up with a much more positive view of committed relationships.
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