There may come a time in your college experience when you are required to talk another person, and in some extreme cases, this person may be a girl. The trick to talking to girls is being able to say all the right things and also being very attractive. Maybe it’s the beer talking or the second hand marijuana that is wafting through my door, but I feel confident in my abilities with the ladies and want to pass my skills onto you.

First of all, all girls have body issues. Find something beautiful about the girl. Take your time and think about it. It can be anything, any part of her body. Once you have decided, replace it with the word “eyes” and tell her they are beautiful.

In the time it took you to find her most beautiful feature, you will come across at least one of her flaws. Assure her that her eyes take the attention away from her ugly or oversized whatevers. This will give the girl confidence, and she will respect you for your attention to detail.

Sometimes you will find yourself in a social situation, which can contain large groups of girls. It can be downright terrifying, but there are plenty of ways to take advantage of this. Try yelling, “Jenn, I love you.” Then sort of whisper, “Sarah, I love you.” At this point, you will find yourself leaving with at least one new girlfriend.

If you see a girl that you would like to talk to, try a joke. These are always comfortable icebreakers. But remember to keep it classy. Dropping four letter words and disgusting a girl is not the trick to turning her on. I mean, you can tell a Helen Keller joke, but you will need to pretend you had no idea that she was deaf or blind or that she was a real person. This will produce a wonderful opportunity to show your sensitive side by getting misty-eyed when someone reveals the challenges that Keller actually faced. You can also try starting a joke but stopping before revealing the punch line. When the girl asks you how it ends, stare at the sky and whimper, “It doesn’t matter.” You have just forced someone to fall in love with you.

Sometimes it’s more than the words you say. It’s the actions. Girls are looking for guys who can appreciate the things that they enjoy. Take dancing. Rather than using pick-up lines, don’t say a word and just dance in front of her. She will be impressed by your skill and find herself unable to stop watching, partly because you are dancing in a spot that has her cornered in the room. Once you know she is impressed, pretend you did not notice her and were only dancing because you enjoy it so. Then casually drop a gorgeous portrait that you painted of her.

If these tips don’t get you laid, I honestly don’t know what will.