Blech. Even writing about Old Milwaukee conjures up visions of pit-fires down at “The Quarry” back in high-school.

(Oh, Iris - come back to me, my darling…)

It’s funny: I’m a big-fan of cheapo beer when the mood hits, but Old Milwaukee just turns my stomach. Maybe it’s that I’ve been weaned on the skunked taste of Natty Ice, but I find absolutely no reason to throw back one of these bogus brews.

Ah, the taste: Old Milwaukee tastes like month-old Budweiser and year-old corn flakes. Nice, right? Yeah…it’s not so nice when you attempt to down one while stone-cold sober. As a pre-game beer it’s just plain bad - after a few forced swigs I wanted to go home, curl up with a good book and quit drinking altogether.

“The Beast?” Give me a break.

If the sour cereal taste of Milwaukee’s red-headed stepchild wasn’t enough to steer you clear, take a whiff: it smells like your alcoholic Uncle (does anybody not have an alcoholic uncle?). Just terrible, terrible stuff.

Is Old Milwaukee the worst beer ever? Well, perhaps - but I will honestly admit that I might have said the same about Natural Ice or Schlitz if I wasn’t used to their repugnant flavors. Still, it is a beer, which is more than I can say about Miller Chelada.

Old Milwaukee stats:

Tastes like: overwhelming sadness

Smells like: a homeless man’s blanket/your Uncle

Alcohol content: not enough to make you forget that you’re drinking a crap beer