The Declaration of Independence

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In the light of this July 4th, let’s remember, for a moment, why we celebrate this holiday–a day born of rebellion against an unjust system of Government, enacted by a people willing to stand up for what they believed.

As we stand today, engulfed by these tumultuous times, it seems prudent to go back to the wisdom of our beginning–our Declaration of Independence. Think about these words carefully, for they stand the test of time–as relevant today as they were in 1776.

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. Read More »

Canada Owns America!

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WTF is this all aboot?! If you’ve ever seen an episode of South Park you know that Canada has always lived in America’s shadow. But now it seems that our neighbors to the north are owning us in some pretty important caragories: wealth, happieness and sex.

A recent study shows that Canadians work less, live longer, enjoy better health, are wealthier, and have more sex than Americans. For instance, Canada’s median family household income clocks in at US$122,000; in America, it’s $93,000. Yeah, we felt sick to our stomachs, too.

Go ahead and verifty the numbers for yourself, but remember: although Canadians are wealthier, happier and have more sex, America’s got the nukes (Canada doesn’t), Canada runs on the metric system (practicality is lame); they only gained their independence from England in 1982 (thought they still have to vow allegiance to Queen Elizabeth). Canada doesn’t have the tropical weather of Hawaii, Guam, Puerto Rico or southern Florida. The Canadian football league sucked–and we stole hockey and John Candy!

Check out South Park’s episode “Canada on Strike” featuring Stephen Abootman here!

Josh Fields: College World Series Most Impressive Player

UWIRE introduced the top players to check out at the 2008 College World Series, and I was surprised by one name not incuded on the list.

UWIRE’s list had all the generic favorites: Buster Posey, Alex White, Gordon Beckham. But surprisingly, the list does not contain Seattle Mariner’s top pick of the 2008 draft, Georgia closer Josh Fields. I saw him pitch for the first time on Saturday night closing out the game against #1 Miami.

Fields was lights out, blending his 97 MPH fastball with an utterly devistating Josh Beckett-esque curveball. I have seen many college pictchers in my day and I’ll agree with Baseball America when they ranked Fields ranked as the college pitcher closest to the major leagues.

Check out video of Georgia’s shocking upset of #1 Miami

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Onslaught Of Floodwater Shuts Down U. Iowa Campus

Only the tops of parking meters are visible in the muck. The sandbag wall, which volunteers spent countless days erecting, has been breached in many places. A fine layer of water on the ground floor of Mayflower has developed.

The North Dubuque Street residence hall is taking on water. A walkway extends from the Cliff Apartments directly north of the dorm over the flooded parking lots to Mayflower’s side door.

On central campus, notices taped to the doors of the Adler Journalism Building and the Becker Communications Studies Building warned people to stay out or face trespassing charges.

As the Iowa River sped by with a much-quickened current, the muddy waters continued to affect nearly every aspect of the University of Iowa. [Daily Iowan]

Are You A Fridgewatcher? You Will Be.

fridgewatcher_0166.jpg Try as I might, I just can’t keep my fridge looking nice.

For one thing, it’s small and has to house two sets of foodstuffs (me and my roommate’s), and for another, it was already gross when we moved in.

Every once in a while the roommate or I will feebly attempt to sponge off decades worth of black stuff that better not be anything other than mold, or Lysol the whole thing in hopes of dispelling that slightly musky odor that just won’t go away, but no matter what we try, our fridge seems destined to be nothing but a crappy machine that keeps our milk cold.

Some people, however, love their fridges. Something about their fridges makes them proud.

So proud, in fact, that they want the world to know how deep their mechanical love goes.

That’s where Fridgewatcher comes in. Read More »

What is Drunkorexia?

Drunkorexia

The Morning Show’s Mike and Juliet totally have their fingers on the pulse of young America as evidenced by their latest buzzworthy topic, “Drunkorexia.”

Drunkorexia (also known as “drunk-arexia”; take your pick) is the name of a media-approved epidemic that describes the daily behavior of every well-adjusted girl in college that doesn’t still shop at the Disney Store for XL sweatshirts sporting Pluto and Goofy. Thirty percent of women between the ages of 18 -23 curb their daily food intake in order to drink their meals.

Tastes great, less filling. Read More »

California Evacuations Suck!

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My mom wanted me to go to Columbia - where she went.

My dad wanted me to go to Boston College - where he went.

Of course, I chose a third option - head west to the lovely San Diego State University.

Riiiiiight - hot chicks, warm weather and palm trees year round…that is a no brainer for any heterosexual 18 year old dude that just finished high school. Of course, as I sit in the airport for the past 2 days trying to get the HELL out of this part of the country, jappy Columbia chicks and hippie Boston chicks don’t sound so bad right now.

Please don’t hate on me, I didn’t go to my college for the hottie factor alone, but I was looking for a unique college experience. Fleeing my dorm from the heat of an impending forest fire is NOT exactly what I had in mind. Read More »

Stephen Colbert: Presidential Hopeful?

Stephen Colbert - president

Stephen Colbert announced the announcement Americans have wanted to hear, straight from the source’s mouth: he is running for President!

Acting oddly reserved - as well as staunchly American; check the bale of hay and brown-bottle beer - Colbert first announced that he would “consider” announcing an announcement on the subject of him running for President “on a more prestigious show.”

He did exactly that an hour later on his very own Colbert Report. Read More »

Shocker! Miss Teen South Carolina Flubs Answer About Education

The Daily Shocker

The great state of South Carolina is represented flawlessly by Ms. South Carolina, a blonde, dumb-as-bricks girl who sputtered out delicious quotes on the subject of U.S. maps during the Miss Teen USA 2007 pageant.

In less than a minute Lauren Caitlin Upton’s brain is able to wax political about the United States’ lack of maps, “The Iraq,” South Africa, “Asian Countries,” education and “everywhere, like and such as.”

I’m 100% positive that she memorized the most-searched political words and phrases on Ask Jeeves when preparing for the pageant.

I’m also 100% positive that I’ll use her answer as my new monologue the next time I audition for a part in a feature film.

Watch the video after the jump.

Read More »

Politics to MySpace and MTV: “Thanks 4 Tha Add”

Barack Obama - MyspaceStalker Friend network MySpace and trash-reality HQ MTV have joined forces to promote…politics?

Yes: the two main sources of mankind’s decline will be coordinating open-forum debates with the top-tier Presidential candidates on college campuses around the country starting in September.

Candidates confirmed for these nationwide events include Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Rudy Giuliani, Mitt Romney, Sam Brownback and John Edwards.

Whether Tom will run for President has yet to be confirmed or denied. Al Gore, inventor of the internet, has yet to chime in with his thoughts. Read More »

Confirmed: Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson Engaged

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First there were rumors that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz of “Fall Out Boy” got “his and hers nose jobs” and although there is no proof I wouldn’t put it past them. Then the rumors were flying that Simpson was knocked up. If this were true I’d petition for a court ordered paternity test cause I’m still convinced Wentz is a homo. Getting back to the point the latest rumor from the ultimate musical sell-out faux emo power couple is they are to be hitched in spring of 2008. $50 says Pete Wentz hyphenates his last name… Pete Wentz-Simpson. Read More »