The Air Down There: Hawaii Chair

Now, look: I’m lazy as f***. I don’t go to the gym and don’t ever plan on purchasing any of these newfangled workout machines. But I will buy the Hawaii Chair.

Do you like sitting down? Of course you do. How about gyrating - you like that? What if there was a contraption that combined your love of sitting down and air-humping and helped you lose weight?

I know, I know - wishful thinking…right?

WRONG. Oh so wrong.

What is the Hawaii Chair, you ask? Well, it’s simple: it’s a chair that simulates hula dancing (read: virtual boning), enabling you to lose weight while doing daily tasks like hanging out, relaxing, taking a break and blogging. One wonders if a toilet-version of Hawaii Chair could help with constipation…

The Krankcycle: Another Reason to Avoid the Gym

Krankcycle

I’ve went to the gym a total of four times in my entire life, and never plan on going again. I understand the act of great courage that goes into being overweight and exercising at the gym, in the public.

In my case, I can’t get over the fact that I feel like a total idiot next to ripped dudes that can bench my body weight with one arm tied behind their back.

So I stay at home, flabby in the mid-section, and play Guitar Hero III on Hard (not Expert…yet). That’s how I get my feeling of self-satisfaction.

The most recent innovation in exercising is Krankcycling, a form of working out that resembles mixing batter in a bowl. Johnny Goldberg (”Johnny G.” to the hip cats), who previously created Spinning, is the developer of this upper-body workout. It’s sure to do well in California, home of EZ-living gym rats looking for the next big trend in exercising. Read More »

The Daily Shocker: Fat Can Be Fit

fat-kid.jpg

• Recent studies show that it’s the lack of exercise, not body fat, that’s unhealthy.

• Experts break down the health pros and cons of drinking.

• Disappearing man reappears five years later, claiming amnesia when arrested for fraud.

• A gasoline tanker explodes in Everett, Massachusetts, leaving cars and buildings ablaze.

• Burglars in East Kansas City, Missouri make a big mistake when they unknowingly break into a police officer’s home.

Refresh After a Workout with…Beer?

beer-lady.jpgAfter a grueling workout at the gym, the only thing I want is a glass of ice old water…or a deep tissue massage and an hour in the sauna - but let’s be realistic here. And as much as I enjoy cocktail hour, the most unappealing after-cardio treat would have to be alcohol.

Apparently, I should consider changing my tastes. A new study suggests that BEER after exercise may be better than water for you. Wait, what?

Yes, it’s true, and guess who they tested this theory on? College students!

According to FOXnews, “The study results came from testing 25 college students asked to do strenuous exercises in 104-degree temperatures. They were then split into two groups, one given beer and other water to help them recover. The tests were conducted over several months. The hydration effect in those who drank beer was ’slightly better’ than those who drank water.” Read More »

Look Absolutely Ridiculous with Six-Pack Surgery

Abdominal etchingHey fellas: want to know a sure-fire way to get a chiseled body without foolish, time-wasting activities like exercising and a healthy diet? Want to throw back a six-pack while maintaining some sick, six-pack abs? It can be done - all you have to do is get “abdominal etching,” which is a nice way to say “male liposuction.”

Six-pack surgery is a medical procedure that sucks that extra fat out of your beer gut followed by the etching in of faux-abs, all for the cost of a semester’s tuition. The outcome looks like you lost a couple pounds and applied magic marker to your stomach in hopes of fooling anybody willing to see your obvious lack of physique.

It’s unbelievable that guys would actually go to these extremes. Contrary to popular belief, there are at least three types of girls when it comes to body appreciation: girls who want their man chiseled and defined; girls who love rail-thin body types and girls that can’t get enough of beer-guzzling, hoagie-scarfing men who enjoy enjoying themselves. If you feel inclined to mangle your body with pricey surgery, the most may be better spent on a shrink. Read More »

The Daily Shocker: Way to Go, Jena Six

The Daily Shocker

Way to go, Jena Six: your copycats are even more ignorant than you racist pricks. (WCBSTV)

Way to go, Jena Six: you’ve ruined Halloween for the rest of us. (Des Moines Register)

Hey fellas, measure your wang accurately with the “phallumeasure.� (College Candy)

A Californian dentist feels around for cavities…in women’s heaving chest cavities. (My58)

Doctors tell London fatties to take a hike. (UK Metro)

WATCH OUT FOR INCOMING PUMPKIN TORPEDOES! (United Press)

Kids Pole-Dancing: Hot or Not?

Stripper PoleIn a world where strippers make more money than most political figures, is it wrong to teach the youth of today the art of pole-dancing?

The answer is a resounding YES.

In Australia, kids - I’m talking kids, like 7-year-old girls and boys - are being registered (by their parents, mind you) to take pole-dancing lessons.

Yes: everybody knows that strippers are well-toned athletes and intense trainers that go for the Olympic Gold every time they bleach their ******* and dollar bills get stuffed straight up their G-strings by old pervs.

When did throwing the ball around become too passe? When I was a strapping young man I would chop wood and shingle roofs to get my bod looking like this guys.

Now we have kids not old enough to handle their no-no parts correctly gyrating and shimmying up stripper poles in the name of exercise.

Grab an axe and chop away, young boy - at the very least you’ll be able to fend off anybody who attempts to kick your ass when they hear about your past experience sliding down a stripper pole.

And girls? Don’t worry - you’ll have plenty of time in the future to handle poles.

Beer Diet!

Hey fatty, need to lose weight in a hurry? Try going on the beer diet!

The sexy, 86-pound Liv gives us a few reasons why drinking a ton of beer will cut your fat intake by 100%, allowing you to shed the pounds virtually overnight…

Freshman 15: Redonk Abs in a Few Minutes a Day!

abs

“Quick-fix exercises are generally poor substitutes for hard work, but the following exercises are simple enough to do in the comfort of your own home without sacrificing effectiveness. If you perform them a few times a week, you will stimulate your abdominal muscles enough to keep your core strong. But beware: You probably won’t see the results you’re hoping for unless you combine these exercises with a healthy diet and a regular cardiovascular regimen.”

“For all of the exercises, make sure to suck in your stomach, which will activate your transversus abdominis, the muscle that should always fire before any other core muscle.” Read More »