Ah, yes–the wonderful, magnificent “hand-bra”. There’s just something about a woman holding her own breasts that sends a magical lightning bolt of lust through any man worth his weight in Jergens. Maybe it’s that we want to put our hands there, or maybe it’s how freakin’ hot you look doin’ it. So get ready because if you’re already a breast-man, this could possibly be the greatest thing you’ve ever seen in you’re entire life. And if you’re not a breast-man, you’re about to become one. You’re welcome.

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Because you can’t keep your 40 year old titties to yourself, I am stuck watching another horrifically gay Super Bowl Halftime Show!

And it is ALL YOUR FAULT! You damn Jacksons’ think you can do whatever you want and there are no repercussions. Michael has a thing with little boys, Tito has a thing with jerry-curls, and your dad is the weirdest looking man - besides Michael.

You, Ms. Jackson have screwed up the purest excuse to mix half naked hotties with football: the Super Bowl Halftime Show. Because you were oh-so determined to prove that you were still relevant, next year’s half time show will probably feature crooners like Tony Bennett or Paul Anka.

I am so pissed and I hate you Janet Jackson…I f**king hate you.