Fight The Man: Schools Seek To Take Teen’s Rights

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No matter who you are, the older you get, the more you hate teenagers. They’re loud, inconsiderate and probably up to no good. Even as a teenager, I thought myself obnoxious. I was 16, damnit. I could do what I wanted; go where I pleased; say what I wanted to say, and I did. All my friends and I felt as though everyone was out to get us. Really, we were just bored. But for today’s teens, they are.

In a true act of teen oppression, the controlling, crotchety sons-of-b*tches that run our public education systems are trying to take away teenager’s First Amendment Rights–not just on school grounds or during school functions (like they already do), but everywhere, always, even online.

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Pot Calls Kettle, uh…Black: James Dobson vs. Barack Obama

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Over the past seven years of the Bush Administration, I’ve realized that to know what people are lying about, just listen to what they’re accusing others of doing–which is exactly what Christian-right leader and founder of Focus on the Family, James Dobson has done by claiming that Barack Obama is ‘distorting’ the Bible. His comments come in reference to a two-year-old speech Obama gave in June 2006, while speaking to a Christian group.

Check out video of Obama’s full speech after the jump! Read More »

What Would Three Jesus-es Do?

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The Bible, man, that’s hard stuff to get through.

We decided to go straight to the Man himself to get our moral guidance… but, sadly, Mr. Christ did not return our calls. So, instead, we found three college students named Jesus (Jesus Corral - University of Denver, Jesus Bruce - Stanford Univeristy and Jesus Campos-Hernandez - George Washington University) and asked them about sin. Sloth, indeed.

Question #1: A starting lineman on the football team beat the crap out of me at a party. How do I get revenge without getting killed? - Chapin, 20

Jesus Corral: “All you need is a bat with a nail through it, dipped in HIV-infected blood. You can figure it out.”

Jesus Bruce: “Next time you see him at a party, put drops of Visine in his beer. The only thing coming out of him for a few days will be slush.”

Jesus Campos-Hernandez: “While at a bar, I got my buddy Dave so bombed that he ended up doing a #2 while he passed out on his couch. He woke up, not realizing he’d soiled himself and walked around campus. So, there are cheaper ways to achieve the result.”

Question #2: I’m pretty positive that one of my sorority sisters is stealing from me. How can I prove it? - Lindsay, 21 Read More »

The Inner Monologue of a Lonely Myspace User as He Goes Through His Friend Requests

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WOW!  Five new friend requests!  Oo la la, Candi from Tuscon is smokin’ hot.  Where is Tucson again?  I think it’s one of the boroughs of New York or something.  Sweet, that means she’s only like two hours away.  So worth it.  She’s obviously into me, it musta been my killer profile pic.  Girls are attracted to artsy guys I guess.  Actually…is it the white balance or the mohawk?  She prolly thinks I’m a huge rebel.  I mean, I totes am.  Mom didn’t want me to get a tat of a swastika on my neck, but I’m a free spirit.  Girls are attracted to free spirits.  That’s why Candi’s trying to get access to my prof.  I’m so brilliant for setting it to private.  Now all these smokin’ babes are gonna think I’m exclusive.  Confirmed, Candi.  Let’s do dinner and breakfast sometime.

What the- Jesus?  Is that you?  I didn’t know you had a computer!! Read More »