So I just got back from three very long days of vacationing with my folks.

I mean, VERY long.

Here’s the thing: it totally sucked. I mean, I love spending time with my parents. I do. We get along very well. But three days of touristing in some random little rural town without any break from my parents EVER just isn’t my idea of a good time.

So here are a few tips that I wish I knew before I went. Good luck, you poor brave souls.

(1) Insist on having at least a little say in the location.

Okay, we went to this town in upstate NY (5 hours from their house, 3 from my apartment) for seemingly no reason. When I was informed, I did not question. Foolishly, I said instead, “Whatever you guys want.” Fatal mistake. You see, my mother decided that we just HAD to go see this giant kaleidoscope. Yes, that’s right: apparently, the basis of this trip was a giant kaleidoscope.

Anyway, we finally get to the stupid thing and they take one look at it and my dad says, “I’m not paying 10 bucks a person for this!”, my mom says, “I can’t lean on this thing for 7 minutes!”, and next thing I know we’re back at the motel trying to figure out what to do for the next three days. Read more

Don’t worry, I almost forgot, too. So, to save you the pain I went through to not be a bad son, here’s a list of quick gift ideas to show your mom you care.

1. Start Her a Blog: Mom’s don’t want you blowing a bunch of cash on them. In fact, they’d probably prefer you didn’t spend any money at all. And of course, it’s the thought that counts. So start yourmomsname.wordpress.com. It’s free, it’s cool, it takes 15 minutes, and she’ll feel like the two of you are bonding. She can use it to keep you (and anyone else) up-to-date on family events, or start the next hotmilfs.com marthastewart.com!

Check out the rest of the list after the jump! Read More »

You ran into your ex-girlfriend at the bar. She was looking hotter than ever, and you clearly weren’t going to ignore her, so you went over to say hello. And three, four - say 10 drinks later - you wound up saying much more in bed.

Normally, we’d give you a high five and say, “Good for you, stud!” But you have a girlfriend. An awesome girl - let’s call her Sally - who’s sweet and nice and even pays for dinner sometimes. You feel terrible, and you told Sally this, that you regretted the hook-up the second after it occurred.

Although honesty is normally the best policy, in this case it’s painful to uphold. Read More »

Chances are many of you reading this have abused cold medicines in the past.  It’s such a rampant problem that the South Park guys dedicated an episode to it.

The government’s Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration said 3 million young people in the United States between the ages of 12 and 25 admitted getting high off the medicines at least once.

The Agency said an overdose on cold medicine may result in serious life-threatening adverse reactions, including irregular heartbeat, delirium and death.

People abuse cold medicine for a sh*t load of reasons!

Here are a few: Read More »

She died of elective cosmetic surgery. Tragedy? Sure. But after watching the AMA Awards, you would have thought she died of cancer or leukemia. When she went in for her nose job/tummy tuck/ whatever - she accepted the risks of that surgery.

Over the weekend, thousands of people died of terminal diseases. People with families who have struggled and sacrificed with the hopes that their loved ones would be able to live or breathe one more day. They were NOT dreaming for smaller asses or nicer body parts.

My issue is that I was beaten up for several hours about keeping Kanye in my thoughts and prayers…yeah ok…you get one, but that’s it. There’s still a war going on, there’s some f***ing psycho in North Korea, Musharef is running Pakistan like Stewie Griffin…oh, wait - Kanye’s mom died from cosmetic surgery. Read More »

All hail old-timey traditions that include things like…beer!

I’ve been trying for over 24 hours to enter this site. Now that it’s up and running, feast your eyes and taste buds on the future of pizza.

VIDEO: Fastest. Stripper. Ever. (Notice I only said fastest.)

I can barely carve an eye into a pumpkin, let alone the Death Star.

The family that drinks together, sinks together.

Somebody wanted a pony really bad. Somewhere in Scotland a Pixie is loose.

And the Minnesota Timberwolves wonder why they came up short against the Indiana Pacers.

Amy Fischer has a sex tape in circulation. Yeah, I forgot who she was too.

This couple (sadly) outdid Maury Povich with a little help from their friends. (Sky News)

Florida mom waves gun at kids at a bus stop, shouting “You can all get some of this!” after hearing about her son getting bullied. The whole incident occurred on the west side of town. It’s painfully obvious: momma was just representing the westsiiiiiiide, beyotches! (News4Jax)

Maxim presents “The World’s Most Annoying Couples.” (Maxim)

Kids: don’t cry over spilled milk. Adults: don’t cry over a 28-cent overcharge for toilet paper that wasn’t supposed to be taxed. (Pittsburgh Post)

Woman entering federal court is told to take off her bra, ’cause it sets off the metal detector. Upon asking for a private place to undo herself, officers said “No.” All I picture next is the woman saying “Okay, fellas” followed by…chicka-bawm-chicka-bawm-chicka-bawm. (MSNBC)

For only £300,000 you - yes, you! - can have your very own Roman Bath house. It’s perfect for relaxing baths, toga parties and Caligula-styled orgy blowouts. (BBC News)

Honda Accord: reliable on gas, not so reliable in ATM-dragging category. (Times News)

Young? Single? Horny? Democrat? Join the Obama Swingers Club today! (Gawker)

Internet romance gone wrong: 30-year-old woman tantalizes a 16-year-old boy into sending naughty pictures, cybering and…playing on Xbox LIVE. (Dayton Daily News)

Mom uses her toddler to steal purses. Cla$$y. (Fox News)

• Zombies’ Halloween a Box-Office Killer (Hollywood Reporter)

• What Hugh Hefners’ Sex Life Teaches us About Investing (TalkGold)

• Boy, 7, Finds Nearly $9,000 Worth of Crack in Pocket (Fox News)

• Treason! 8 Celebrities You Won’t Believe Aren’t American (Cracked)

• Axe-wielding Mother Invades School Playground (The Local)

• Racism at Penn State (Collegian)