Who Is Joe Six Pack, Anyway?

If you watched the VP debate last night you heard a lot about Sarah Palin’s BFF, Joe Six Pack. But who is he? What does he like? What does he do?We don’t know Joe Six Pack personally (though we have hooked up with his cousin, Mark Quarter Barrel…who could not keep it up), but we imagine he’d be something like this:

Description:
5′11, brown hair, brown eyes, some sort of facial hair, big hands and a tattoo of some sort (possibly his kids’ initials) on his upper arm. No actual six pack to be seen behind the slight beer belly hanging over the top of his ill-fitting denim. Read More »

Paris Hilton Officially Enters Presidential Race-Video

If you’re still on the fence about who to vote for this November… you need worry no more.  Paris Hilton has officially made her presidential intentions clear in this response ad to the now infamous McCain / Hilton / Spears political. And you thought our country was in trouble.

Hello, Young Voters — 5 Ways To Motivate The Immovable

sex-booth.JPG5. Put YouTube terminals in the voting booths
You wanna know something? Us college kids are really just big magnets. If you open a dumb video of an overweight thirteen year-old kid singing a pop song from the Falkland Islands, every single student within a mile will be chuckling over your shoulder within fifteen seconds.

If our presidential candidates really want to get the 18-24 crowd out and voting, they should start making films of themselves running drunk and naked across the interstate. Right now, candidates are mostly remembered for being a bunch of lumpy old guys who still haven’t lowered the drinking age. They can do so much better: the McCain/Romney version of “Daft Bodies”, for example, would totally steal the election. I’d vote for them.

4. “Reframe the debate”
This year, the American people are concerned with economic something and whatever with foreclosure blah blah drilling offshore and climate change, very important to something Iraq timetable mumble mumble. Man! The issues are tiring! I need a nap!

So it’s not surprising that college students don’t get out to rep their favorite pols. All they talk about is boring crap that sucks! You know what college kids like? Movies. It’s what we care about. “Iraq” is far away and hard to pronounce properly. All those cutthroat late-night debates need to be centered around the real questions — the tough questions, the ones that will get students waving big posters and burning their underwear.

“I understand that Christian Bale’s a great Batman, Senator Obama, but what’s up with that police run-in? In light of his creepy bevhavior, have you reconsidered your recent “pro-shirtless Bale” position?” “Senator McCain, what’s your stance on Pierce Brosnan singing ABBA? Awful enough to be funny, or just awful enough to suck?” “If elected, what measures do the candidates plan to take to ensure that George Lucas doesn’t ruin another franchise, ever?” Read More »

Obama vs. McCain: Tax Proposals Made Simple

These days, common knowledge suggest that any Republican will cut taxes, any Democrat will raise them. And this election year is no different. Sen. John McCain has said that there will be no new taxes, only tax cuts, under a McCain presidency. Obama, on the other hand, says that he will only raise taxes on those making the most amount of money–those who benefit most from our economy should also invest the most back in, his logic goes.

But how much of this is talk and how much might actually result in more cash in your pocket? Luckily for us all, the Washington Post has put together an easy-to-read chart that tells you exactly what each candidate’s proposed plan means for your wallet. The information in this chart comes from a recent analysis of the Tax Policy Center, a project from the Urban Institute and the Brookings Institution. Read More »

Santa Clause Drowns: No Ice At North Pole This Summer!

jow09.jpg

Prepare for your mind to be blown: Scientist predict that there will be no ice at the North Pole this summer, the most dramatic evidence of global warming to date. Though the thaw is not yet complete, predictions set the odds at greater than 50:50 for a full meltdown.

Disappearance of the arctic ice will allow, for the first time in modern days, countries near the pole access to the predicted natural resources uncovered by the melting. Though the environmental impacts are more symbolic than consequential, politically and economically, the consequences are substantial. Read More »

Hillary and Barack: When Attack Ads Backfire

Hillary Clinton Barack Obama

Many candidates running in the primaries are able to go back to their political careers nearly unscathed by the political process. It is already clear, however, that this campaign will have a lasting effect upon the political trajectories of both Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

As a recent New York Times article comments, Obama’s campaign can be summed up in one word: growth. Obama’s campaign has only added to the inspirational picture portrayed through his two-bestselling books, “Dreams of My Father”, and “The Audacity of Hope”. He is compared to Bobby Kennedy and Martin Luther King to such an extent that some fear for his personal safety.

Clinton’s campaign, on the other hand, seems to be about mudslinging and accusations. The New York Times featured an article on Hilary’s “5-point attack” leading up to the primaries in Ohio and Texas. From attacking Obama of hypocrisy over campaign ad spending to comparing his foreign policy to that of President Bush, it’s obvious she’s decided to risk it all during these last few months. Should Hillary lose, it’s possible that her tactics during this race will haunt her political career. Read More »

The Hillary Problem: Women Should be NICE

070112_hillary_vmed_7awidec-1.jpgEverybody wants to tell me how they feel about Hillary.

Super Tuesday has come and gone. In spite of the fact that Hillary Rodham Clinton won the majority of the votes on that day, which usually cements the leading presidential candidates for both parties, her nomination as the Democratic Party candidate is not at all secure.

Obama has won eight straight primaries, and leads the race by a small but significant margin, aided by the fact that he continues to win over voter demographics that have been, in the past, more inclined to vote for Clinton.

This is, of course, fascinating - a close race, an important decision - and I’m more than willing to talk about the candidates’ policies, track records, voter bases, etc. with anyone who shows a vague interest in the subject. In fact, I keep getting suckered into conversations about it, only to face, again and again, the ugly truth: when it comes to Hillary Rodham Clinton, her politics are the last thing that anyone wants to talk about.

Most folks who want to talk Hillary with me forgo any discussion of her career. They’d rather focus on her personality - which is, according to people in my vicinity, cold, harsh, ambitious, calculating, conniving, aggressive, angry, bitchy, and even (gasp!) lesbian.

God help me, I try to engage with these people. But at some point during the endless recitation of Hillary’s character flaws, my eyes glaze over and I tune out. Because, I swear, no matter what they say, the translation software in my brain supplies the same meaning over and over again: not a girl, not a girl, not a girlRead More »

Vincent Chase Holds Nothing Back

Vincent Chase

You might know Adrian Grenier as the slightly smug, slightly self-centered, but always adorable Vince from HBO’s hit Entourage. Although I personally think the show’s success has a lot to do with the hilarity of the character actors (including my personal skeevy love Jeremy Piven), Grenier certainly plays a major role in attracting viewers—a fact he has obviously let infect his brain and speech pattern.

As reported by a Radar journalist, Grenier recently showed up at a Lower East Side (read: skinny jeans and soul patches) party and spoke some choice words to a lady he apparently fancied. Instead of attempting to have a nice conversation like the rest of us common folk, Grenier the celebrity went straight for the kill—because, well, he thought he could.

Transcribed via Radar:

Adrian: Hi, what’s your name?
Brunette: [Giggling. It is obvious she knows who he is; she is flattered that he has approached her] Elizabeth*. What’s yours?
Adrian: Adrian.
Brunette: Nice to meet you! And what do you do, Adrian?
Adrian: I make documentary films.
Brunette: Oh really?
Adrian: Yeah. And some other stuff on the side. What about you?
Brunette: I’m in fashion.
Adrian: That’s cool. So how about we go home and I f*ck the sh*t out of you? Read More »