Like an idiot, I decided to go see the first showing of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull at 12:01AM this morning.

Big mistake!

Last time I saw a 12:01AM showing was the opening of Cloverfield, and it was great. The theater was packed, people were hyped…I even bought $6 popcorn. So I expected great things for the release of Indiana Jones, but come show-time I was only one of nine other people in the massive amphitheater.

Overall fan excitement aside, the movie felt like a generic and tired version of the past three Indy flicks, but more lame. The blatant overuse of CGI makes the movie look airbrushed. Shia Leboeuf plays a unconvincing and fruity 50’s greaser. And it hurts me to say, but 65-year-old Harrison Ford can’t make action movies work anymore.

*Spoiler Alert!*

In the (merciful) finale, the crystal alien skull is placed inside an ancient Inca temple. The temple turns into an alien spacecraft and Kate Blanchett spontaneously combusted. The end!

Steven Spielberg, I want a refund!

Honestly, I had trouble staying awake during this one, so I’d suggest you go out and rent Raiders of the Lost Ark, and pretend this franchise didn’t just go down in flames.